Sex is Humbling.

Dating as a Manifestor...

Wow! I haven’t typed a substack in almost a month now and I was on a whole ass ROLLL for a while there. This space has been much needed, especially since my last post was breaking up with Jesus. I can’t even begin to really express in words what that has done for my IMAGINATION. If I thought I had a vivid imagination before? Phew, it’s been soooo alive. The wild thing is, I was fucking scared to make that post.

Here we are though, just really excited and grateful to have a whole new (remembered) sense of sovereignty in my being.

Speaking of imagination, let’s talk about sex.

In full transparency, having such a vivid imagination has also led to some wild fantasies in the realms of sex.

I have been celibate now for a year and 7 months, the longest I have gone since I lost my virginity. It’s been so needed, as I have been able to really desensitize and resensitize after years of not having the… best sexual experiences.

Ofcourse, in the moment, I would have said they were amazing. Really though, it wasn’t the full intimate experience I now know I have access to by getting to gnow my body on deeper levels.

I felt inspired to write this today, as I just listened to a sisters yapcast (love that she’s calling it that haha). The episode was all about true masculine leadership being deeply responsive. She specifically used examples of being in the bedroom, and the art of revealing what’s happening in our inner world.

This is something that… has definitely been a struggle for me.

I am an initiator in human design (I am an Ego Authority Manifestor). In my experience, this means not only do I initiate…. but I fucking know what I want and I go after it. This is something that lands really true in my being.

Let’s get into some vulnerable experience here.

I love to initiate, as it’s a big part of what I am in essence. This same thing, has led to alot of frustrations in dating dynamics. I haven’t dated alot since my ex partner in 2023, there’s actually only been one man that I have kissed (she’s shy now haha).

This initiating energy, and being a big sister of four little brothers, had led to me over powering where I want him (in a general sense) to lead.

In this recent experience, I was honestly fucking ecstatic the ways he was receiving me. I had never felt up to this point… that the intensity I hold was truly being witnessed and felt. We both could feel the intensity, but we both were on the same page of letting it unfold… slowly.

The slow burn was amazing, really amazing.

When it came down to it though, I fumbled in the *almost* sex we had. When I say almost sex, I mean there was no penetration or even an attempt for penetration.

I can see in hindsight, how my underlying frustrations to want to lead *less* were making themselves known. It’s not that he didn’t lead, but I did do a lot of the initiating. It’s a wild paradox I experience, one of those “blessing and a curse” vibes,

As the experience approached, in what I thought would be sex, I crumbled.

Suddenly it went from being a slow burn, to feeling really fast.

I still cringe that I even asked him to spend the night knowing I had just moved into my own bedroom and could have been in more intimacy with myself. Life unfolds though, and we attune.

So heres where the fantasy meets the imagination meets a real time experience unfolding.

I had this whole vision, and it wasn’t working out.

I wanted to play music, but the damn youtube kept playing commercials. It was actually hilarious, and I’m grateful we had already been so openly communicative with one another.

I also smoked THC, and in this specific experience I smoked more than I would have liked.

So now we have this moment that was SUPPOSED TO BE AMAZING — completely fumbling.

As our energy was heating up, my mind was fucking racing.

So here I was, even after deepening so deeply into contact with my body, feeling like I couldn’t communicate with my yoni. Actually, I could, and I finally decided to listen.

For the first time in an almost sex experience, I said no. My body said no.

At first I was confused cause this was also the first time I allowed such a slow burn, and I really enjoyed our time together. I was a fullllll on yes before the experience (we even went on a sunset date beforehand).

In hindsight though, it makes sense that I actually felt safe enough to express my no. So I was able to reveal what was happening internally, he held me, we laughed, and we talked for a little while before going to sleep.

Phew.

What happened after this though? He distanced himself. Not the most exciting thing to happen when you feel you were actually cultivating deepened intimacy with someone but it taught me a lot like those experiences always have the potential to.

Sex is humbling.

And even though we had strong communication and I revealed in those intimate moments, feeling the distance meant I no longer wanted to reveal.

Dating as a manifestor has been quite the pilgrimage. Like I said, I initiate in powerful ways but I also crave to just collapse into someones arms.

This has taught me to utilize my imagination in ways where I’m not just feeding fantasy, and can actually… truly… slow down the eros in moments like this.

That’s asking for alot from a spicy leo manifestor babe hehe.

Softening without bypassing my strength will always be a learning journey and maybe in the next substack I’ll share what happened with my cervix after this experience.

I actually love talking about sex and I wanna chat about it more, cause I’m an ego manifestor and I wantttttt to!

Thanks for reading!

xoxoxox,

Shanece.